Would I look like a freak, or would people be jealous?
I don’t want to touch any more crusty, sticky, or slippery patches. I’ve had enough. To prove I’ve had my fair portion of gross, I’ll share a few of my highlight ick moments from the past week.
I was heading to the farmer’s market on Saturday and I needed cash. Evidently farmers prefer that I pay for my $1 butternut squash in cash-dollars. I hit the ATM on the Canisius College campus. It is also near the Metro entrance. My fingers slipped from the greasy ATM buttons so badly it was actively difficult to punch in my digits. And oh, the ATM foyer stank of pee and vomit. So nice.
WideEyedSpouse and I hit the Central Library on Sunday afternoon. I felt something chunky under the entrance door handle. The skin of my fingers tried to crawl off. I am so thankful that whatever it was had dried to chunks.
I scooted into work on Monday. The stair railing on my way to my office floor left a sticky residue on my palm. Normally I don’t touch stair railings, but my foot slipped on something gelatinous. A goober I think. That’s 1970s kid speak for a mass of phlegm.
Tuesday at Target, my hand slipped off the grocery cart handle. I blame spittle. Baby spittle I hope. Although I’m not sure why baby spittle is less gross.
Today, Wednesday, I have to fly.
Have you read the studies? I have. Flu, cold, TB, MRSA, E. coli, lysteria, pneumonia bacteria. All normal. Skin crust, boogies, hair, chewed off finger nails? Expected. Greasy unexplained smootses on all seats? Of course! Wet spots? Annoying but unsurprising.
Even if the booger is not infectious, even if the hairs floating around do not carry lice or too much skin crust, I don’t want them touching me.
I just figured out my solution.
I am hitting the Home Depot on the way to the airport. I’m getting a full Tyvek suit. Oh yeah. With gloves and a mask too. Maybe eye PPE. I know when my fellow (disgusting) passengers stare it will be out of jealousy. And I figure there’s a pretty good chance I’ll get an empty seat next to me.