Food, Humor
Comments 6

Chips Weren’t Meant to Be Baked

Offending baked chips. Note the clear "Baked" marking. They don't want us to be surprised. They know there are disappointments inside.

I just ate a thin piece of ranch flavored cardboard. Oh. Wait. I’m looking at the bag I pulled it from and I see the problem. It’s a bag of BAKED potato chips. BAKED.

Friends, let me say to you: chips were not meant to be baked.

 I know. We eat too much fat. We eat too much salt. We eat too many chips. And by “we”, I mean “I”, but I am not alone because some food scientist/dietician fool decided to bake chips. And some management fool decided that this was marketable. And what is truly remarkable is that taste testing fools told them this resulted in edible, even maybe good snacking. They lied.

I am at the least a third generation chip snacker. I know chips.

The Snack Man at the chips.

Grandpa always had a bag of chips at his house. Those chips were always open, the top of the bag carefully rolled and clothes-pinned. They were always tucked up high – on the top shelf above the cereal, the crackers, the unused old dried soup packets. We kids needed to climb onto the chair, to get up on the stool, to stand on the counter, to reach the chips. Friends, those chips weren’t baked.

 My dad was known as the “Snack Man” for years, after one of my brother’s girlfriends noted that he spent a certain amount of time munching from bags of chips at the pantry door. I used to lie around in bed reading a lot when I was a kid, but the sound of a foil bag rustling in an entirely different wing of the house sent me running. If the Snack Man was at the chips, an empty bag was sure to follow.

 I am broadly experienced in chips. I’ve eaten chips on three continents. I’ve had chips deep fried in lard, peanut oil, various vegetable oils, and once in the Russian Far East, chips that perhaps had been cooked in industrial waste oil.

Deep fried chip goodness.

I love chips. But again, friends, not baked chips. A baked chip is just a chunk of potato. It tastes…like a potato. Or, if it has flavor chemicals all over it, it takes like a piece of cardboard with flavor on it. Baked chips are no kind of chip at all.

 After the apocalypse, zombie, nuclear winter, whatever, who cares, I’m heading out with my shotgun to find a chip delivery truck. I’m going to pry open the cargo doors, make myself a chip bag chair, and snack. I’ll eat chips until I run out of shells for the ghouls or chips for the belly. Because, of course, no one is going to have time to make chips in the aftermath. Like prescription antibiotics and gasoline, chips will be a finite resource.

If you are reading this and you work for a chip company, I beseech you, tell your people to stop baking chips. Spend your time making more deep fried chip goodness. If you are reading this while eating chips, I can only applaud your good taste. If your chips are extra dark, small-batch, kettle-cooked, I bow to your greatness.

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6 Comments

  1. My grandmom always has her bag of chips carefully rolled at the top too and she put them in a cabinet really high also! She would serve them on a plate with a sandwich for lunch! I hadn’t thought about that in a lot of years but it makes me happy because i love chips and i love my “mommom”!!

  2. Son-in-Law of Snack Man says

    I agree…baked chips should be outlawed. When the era of baked chips is finally over, and it will end, it will be remembered as a dark time in human history!

  3. Chips are easily my favorite snack food but recently my girlfriend of two years and I moved in together and she’s all about “eating healthy” and scowled at me whenever I grabbed a bag of chips… because I will eat an entire bag in one sitting. First she tried to make me stop eating them then she bought baked chips as an alternative.

    Baked chips are the soulless, uncaring, tasteless inhabitants of the snack world that are only edible in the sense they aren’t poisonous. It’s like giving me turkey bacon as a replacement for deliciously crispy bacon. Needless to say I didn’t put up with the baked thing for long.

    • Milton, I hear you. Baked chips are not chips. Trying to incorporate them into a healty diet just means you eat more starchy carbs because the craving for CHIPS doesn’t go away, it just gets stronger as you yearn for a real chip. My solution (because I try to eat healthy too) is to buy slightly smaller chip bags. And then I don’t worry about eating them all at once. Thanks for your words – nice to hear there are more chip folks out there.

  4. Pingback: Twenty things I could have bought with the $20 I lost yesterday. « wideeyedfunk

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