Our government has failed us and it is time to oust the dysfunctional ruling body and call for a revolution, but we don’t want to be caught in the wrong outfit when the NSA comes for us, do we girls?! Make sure you have on pieces that leave you comfortable and put together after days in an unmarked NSA detention cell! You’ll look fresh and fashionable in “who’s this criminal?” NSA instagrams and you’ll be ready for your CNN interview as soon as you’re released!
The Dress – An unstructured, lined silk with ¾ sleeves and a fanciful pattern in a darker palette won’t bind up, won’t show blood stains after you’ve been slapped around, and silk is tough! A quality silk can take rough wooden benches, handwashing in toilet bowls, and won’t rumple past a certain “I’ve been up all night” élan! The ¾ length sleeves will keep you warm during cold phases of environmental torment and can be pushed up when the heat is on! Be sure to find one with a charming lining, you can remove it and have two dresses – one to wash and one to wear! I like Anthropologie’s Isle of Skye dress.
Shoes – You may be thinking flats here for long term comfort, but you’d be wrong! Consider those cold cement floors and the steel grates in the waterboarding chamber. Ouch! I recommend a solid soled boot with a slight chunky heel, like the classic Fyre 12R Engineer Boot. It will look good with the dress and the dress lining, can be worn in warm or cold conditions, and with that heavy heel it doubles as a bludgeon if you are detained with less savory characters than yourself!
Socks – Smartwool, all the way. With bacteria fighting properties and a squish that won’t squash, the Smartwool light hikers are MEANT to be worn several times before washing. The perfect detainee sock!
Underwear – Now girls, this can be tricky. Be sure you have on clean underwear as soon as you call for the revolution so you start fresh. I recommend an ensemble that is tidy and modest but shows that you are not embarrassed to be seen in your unmentionables! The Commando ™ CYA Panty is opaque and well-shaped without being matronly and is made of quick dry fabric – so easy to clean! For your top, the Chantelle Rive Gauche T-shirt bra will stay comfortable and keep you structured. With its lace trim you will be the belle of the strip search cubicle! Most important, both these choices will stay sag-free during de-lousing and waterboarding.
Wrap – Go with a cotton or wool pashmina big wrap in a solid color, patterns show poorly on TV and we all want to look our best in the top secret interrogation video footage. The wrap will be your blanket, towel, pillow, and splint as you endure the rigors of questioning and detention, so find one you like!
Hair and Makeup – Go for a charming, curly tousle that shows well after days of sweating through the pain, and as always girls, 24 hour water proof mascara for stressful situations!
Ready to look your best for the NSA? Great!
Once you are dressed and ready to go, have a look at the Preamble to the Declaration of Independence. When you, like me, see that the government is once again(!) perpetrating egregious offenses against us, then it is time to call for the revolution!
Demand a truly democratic governing body!
waiting for that plain black sedan to show up on the lane. personally, i’ve always favored crown vics
Around here the Secrets drive giant black SUVS – I want to say suburbans but I’m not sure. Plenty of room for perps in the back!
ok…I’ll do it.
And you’d look great in a well crafted silk frock Cousin D! For men I really just recommend clean socks and underwear – man clothes are generally more suited to the detainee lifestyle. So declare that revolution!
Every time I read this it is funny, really funny. So witty and cynical, but in all seriousness…helpful. The fashion tips really do apply and would work for this situation. You have really done a service here and it will be appreciated by all the feminine revolutionaries that get whisked away by the NSA in the coming weeks and months. The question though is…what if another woman in the detention chamber is wearing the the same dress? But actually, you answered that question with the suggestion of using the Frye boot as a weapon…Brilliant! What a great article this is…bravo!
Wearing the same dress?!