The husband contributes a guest essay while the WideEyed…Wife travels for work.
I am the husband of the beautiful and talented author of the wideeyedfunk blog you are slowly falling in love with one week at a time. I am your guest author this week as the wifey is off doing her big-brained, intellectual work in another one of the 50 States. When I am not absent mindedly looking for the ketchup or awesomely rewiring our light fixtures in a drunken stupor I am allowed to go outside and play with the public at large. You can see some stuff out there if you open your eyes and look around. Sometimes you see good things and sometimes you see things you wished you hadn’t, but there is always something.
Here’s an example of the latter:
This past weekend I was sitting in the car waiting for the spouse to come out of a store. I was passing the time with my iPhone watching a movie on Netflix and marveling, as I often do, at the wonders of modern technology. When I was young a telephone was heavy, it could be used to whack a burglar in a pinch. It had a rotating dial that schoooooook—ch-ch-ch’d its way back and forth as you dialed each digit in the phone number in question. AND it had a cord that attached it to a jack on the wall. If you were out and about and needed to call someone then you needed a payphone and some pocket change. Disgusting things those pay phones…did they ever get cleaned? I don’t think so. All that spittle, face oil, ear detritus, and other disgusting effluvia just piling up on the receiver year after year. Yuck. If you wanted to see a movie you went to the movie theater…another arguably disgusting public experience. Now you can do both…on a phone that is the size of a wallet. Amazing. It will never get old to me.
Anyway…I digress. So there I was sitting in the in the car minding my own business watching my movie and marveling as indicated above. In my peripheral vision I see a car pull into the space in front of me. No biggie…still watching my movie. Again, in the periphery, I see the driver door open. Movie still has my attention. A female head and attached shoulders lean out from the interior of the car. Not a whole person, just the head and shoulders. I am starting to think that maybe, just maybe this could be one of those “see something” moments. My instincts were validated seconds later as a stream of spit jetted forth from her mouth on to the unsuspecting street below. Spit? I guess that cheapens the moment somewhat and girls are made up of sugar and spice and everything nice so let’s try to pretty it up a bit…a cascading water fall of liquid erupted forth from her mouth and showered the ground below? Either way…it happened. I saw it. THEN…a hand shot out from the interior of the car and it was holding a toothbrush. Oh…I see. All the sudden it wasn’t a gross experience anymore…it was simply good dental hygiene. Well ok, I can respect that. Good dental hygiene is important at home or on the go. Carry on my good woman! Spit out that toothpaste with pride! My respect for this person was renewed…for a moment.
My good feelings were soon shattered as the hand swung down and knocked the toothbrush against the bottom of the car. Umm. What?! What am I supposed to think now? Gross right? Will that toothbrush ever be used again? I hope not. Certainly not…right? I mean, she might as well have just knocked it against the street. The filth of humanity is on the street and gets kicked up onto your car as you drive. Your toothbrush and the bottom of your car should never have the pleasure of meeting. It’s not a written rule but I am sure Emily Post would have a word or two on the subject.
So as I sat there trying to gather my thoughts, the car slowly drove to the opposite side of the street and parked again. A man soon emerged from a nearby house, walked to the car, gave the woman a quick smooch and then climbed into the passenger side. Nice right? Maybe it’s a date and she was stopping for a quick tooth brushing before picking up the man. I can appreciate that…very considerate. But I couldn’t stop wondering if that toothbrush had been through this routine on previous occasions. How would that guy feel if he had just seen what I saw? Would that quick smooch have happened? Maybe the date would not have happened. But, at that moment, my wonderful wife climbed into the car and suddenly all was right with my world again. I drove off and left the two strangers to enjoy their…let’s go with date.
Don’t forget to brush!
why did the lady suddenly need to brush her teeth before meeting someone with whom it seems she is already familiar with? two possibilities: either these two people have a long standing bond and the woman is hiding something or this is still a novel and tenuous relationship where she fears slight impressions can sway the outcome. is she a closet smoker? did she remember to remove her smoking jacket before the meeting? is she covering up a forbidden dorito habit? covering up liquor breath? something even worse? these all apply to either possibility. whatever her intent, if her man discovers what she’s doing with that toothbrush and the side of the car, she may have more to explain than just the subterfuge. i think the affair, whether new or old, is waning.
I too had those same thoughts. Well…maybe not ALL of those, but many. Thank you for bringing to light all of the potential intricacies of this “relationship”. AND she isn’t even being that sneaky…this all went down right across the street form his house. How could he not have seen? Maybe he did not want to believe what he saw? Regardless of the circumstances that led to the curb side oral hygiene…I believe you are correct in your assertion that there is definitely trouble in paradise!
We can all be grateful that the writer did not use the camera/video feature of his magical phone. Well, on the other hand, it might be kind of fascinating – bizarre but fascinating. Not that I would watch.
Just read your (graphic) description of dental vomiting and think it rivals my description of the latrine at Wildnerness Row for grossness!
I have corrected the typos in my latest post (as I feel you are the sort of writer who may notice!) but am currently pretty out of control with all the buttons on my dashboard. I think I’d prefer to leave the actual button-pressing to someone else!